Stop Telling Moms to Just Breastfeed

Formula moms are already stressed. We don't need to be mom-shamed, too.

Photo by Sneha Cecil on Unsplash

I had so many ideas of what I would do as a parent when I was pregnant with my son. That all quickly went out the window the moment he arrived.

The day he was born felt like a dream. Mostly because I was delirious from lack of sleep due to pregnancy insomnia and going into labor at four a.m. But he was perfect, and I was happy. It's not much of an exaggeration to say I was glowing.

I beamed, content and exhausted, as doctors and nurses cooed over my adorable little boy. As they showed me how to feed him for the first time, I felt a weird satisfaction as they marveled at how much colostrum I produced, with one nurse calling me a 'goddess.' It's strange, but I was proud of myself. That didn't last, however.

I wanted to breastfeed him until he was at least six months old. That was the plan. My son had other ideas. My delight quickly faded as I realized we had a problem. He wouldn't latch.

The nurses had no issues shoving him onto my breast and getting him to feed each time, but he refused every time I attempted it myself. Being distraught and sleep-deprived as a new mom only intensified my shame at not being able to do the most natural thing in the world.

The nurses brought me pumps and tiny formula bottles to supplement his feedings, attempting to comfort me by saying he would learn eventually. I remember staring at those small bottles in contempt. I wanted my baby to have my milk, not formula.

I thought it would be a temporary solution. Once we got home, everything would get better. Unfortunately, it only got worse.

My father-in-law died a week after my son was born. Stress is a big trigger for people like me with RA. The grief, coupled with my body only being a week postpartum, triggered a massive flare-up. I couldn't move for days, and my grieving husband was forced to care for me on top of our newborn son. To make matters worse, my milk supply plummeted, almost drying up overnight.

I tried everything to get my supply back up: pumping every two hours, waking up in the middle of the night to pump, drinking 60+ ounces of water a day, eating lactation snacks, and all the right foods. Only to end up with a couple more ounces in total. I was stressed out (which can also affect your supply).

Bawling to my mom on the phone in frustration, she told me, "It's okay if you don't want to do it anymore. As long as he's fed and healthy, that's what matters". That was the lightbulb moment I realized how it affected my mental health. I decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

I miss it. I loved the bonding time it gave me with my son, but I wasn't at my best. It was more important for me to be mentally healthy rather than killing myself trying to produce more milk.

So I quit. I don't regret it, and I don't feel guilty. Neither should anyone else.

Not everyone can breastfeed

Since the beginning of the formula shortage, I've seen an endless stream of comments online telling worried moms searching for formula to "just breastfeed." It's annoying and, to be frank, completely tone-deaf.

Breastfeeding is hard, and it's okay that it's not for everyone. I could have kept trying to pump every two hours for weeks, day and night, to get my supply back up, but I would have been a mental wreck. That wasn't good for my baby or me. So I made the hard choice to switch to 100% formula feeding.

There are plenty of reasons why breastfeeding isn't an option for some parents:

• Some women produce little to no milk at all.
• Certain medications or treatments make breastfeeding unsafe.
• Likewise, certain medical conditions can make breastfeeding impossible.
• The mother may not be involved. Whether through adoption, or unfortunate circumstances like death, the parent(s) still need to be able to feed their child.

What did parents do before formula?

It's not an exaggeration to say the invention of baby formula was life-changing. Before the creation of formula in 1860, by German scientist Justus von Liebig, babies starved if they could not get the proper nutrition they needed. There were a few alternatives, but not many.

• If you were lucky, you might have been able to afford a wet nurse. Some enslaved women, however, were forced to feed their master's children while their own babies starved.
• Poorer families resorted to mixing animal milk, water, or broth with flour or other grains, which often did not offer enough essential nutrients. Even if the babies did get enough alternative sustenance, parents ran the risk of their baby's food becoming contaminated due to unsanitary conditions.

It's hard to determine how many lives have been saved thanks to this invention, but it's safe to say that it was nothing short of miraculous.

What caused the shortage?

The shortage was caused by a combination of unfortunate and untimely circumstances.

• Multiple recalls from major brands.
• Covid-related supply chain issues.
• Increases in births since the beginning of the pandemic.
• The war in Ukraine? Surprisingly, yes. Ukraine is the world's leading exporter of sunflower oil, a standard ingredient in many formulas.

Even though the FDA has stepped in to help and we have generously received donations from other countries, it's tough to say when the shortage will end. Abbott's facility in Michigan, a major supplier, was closed for months and significantly contributed to the shortage. It recently reopened, only to close again due to floods. The FDA has assured that increased production from other facilities and imports have ensured this setback won't be too significant. However, there's no confirmation of when we'll be out of the woods. Until then…

Some things to keep in mind in the meantime:

• Don't be picky. Unless your baby has specific dietary needs, don't get hung up on only using one type of formula. Our pediatrician advised us that now is not the time to be picky. So if your baby doesn't require a particular formula, use what you can get.
• Mix it up! If you're worried about switching between formulas or have concerns about digestive issues, it's okay to mix formulas. If you have to use a different brand than what your baby is familiar with, try mixing the current formula 50/50 with the new formula. This will help your baby transition without an upset tummy and help you avoid messy blowouts.
• Ask for help. It's hard for us parents to remember that we have people who support us. Now is one of those moments where we need our village more than ever. I'm lucky that I have a wonderful mother and MIL who have gone out of their way to look for formula whenever possible. If you have people in your life you can lean on, reach out and ask if they can help you find formula in their area the next time they go to the store.

What NOT to do in the meantime:

• Don't panic buy. When the pandemic started, people panicked and began stockpiling various products, including baby formula. While it's tempting to do so even more now, resist the urge. Stock up on what you can, but remember to leave some for the other parents.
• Don't make your own formula. I can't stress this enough. I'm sure most parents have seen the recipe for homemade formula making the rounds on Facebook. While this used to be an acceptable practice decades ago, there's a reason hospitals and doctors no longer distribute these instructions. Aside from the issue of proper sanitization, even the slightest error in measuring the ingredients can have devastating consequences.
• Don't dilute the formula. Piggy-backing on the point above, refrain from diluting your baby's formula to stretch out your supply. Doing so could keep your baby from getting the proper nutrition their growing bodies require. It can be equally as dangerous as making your own.
• Don't buy breastmilk or formula online from people you don't know or trust.

We will get through this

I know this is a scary time. As parents, we all want the best for our babies, but it's important not to let this situation get the best of us. Not all moms have the ability to breastfeed. I was so confident before my son was born that he would drink only my milk for the first six months, and it felt horrible went that wasn't the case. Choosing to formula feed was what was best for both of us. I refuse to feel guilty about that.

Parents have enough to be stressed out about. Let's not make a bad situation worse by shaming each other. Whether you're breastfeeding in public, pumping day and night, formula feeding, or combo feeding, do what is best for you and your child.

I see a lot of Tiktok videos that joke saying, "these pandemic babies are built differently." There's some truth to that. While we won't know for years what kind of effect being born into a pandemic will have on their generation, I know one thing. These kids are resilient, and so are their parents. I look at my son and my friend's babies and see how strong they are.

We'll get through this together, but until this is over, give each other a break.

Parenting is already hard enough without a pandemic and a shortage.

Let's show each other a little more grace and kindness.