I Had a Thought
And then I lost it.
What’s your biggest weakness when it comes to writing?
Is it grammar? Is your writing disorganized? Do you use the same word over and over? Or is your cat’s favorite place to nap on your keyboard, making it impossible to write.
I know what mine is.
I can’t finish a f****** thought.
Even as I’m writing this, half-formed sentences are falling out of my head, disappearing into the ether. There’s pure gold buried somewhere in the rubble of brain matter if I could only remember what I was going to say. Writing feels like trying to perform a magic trick, except all the cards keep falling out of the deck, and I keep pulling the wrong card, anyway.
I have these great ideas in my head. I have the desire to write. I have some writing skills. Not a lot, but there’s something there.
So why can’t I get my stupid goldfish brain to focus long enough to finish one damn thought?
Is it the untreated ADHD?
For my senior project in high school, I chose to write my very first novel. With nine months to work on it and an Adderall prescription, I was sure I’d have no trouble banging out an entire book. The final result? I threw together one chapter written in haste the night before it was due.
Even when I was chemically forced to stay focused, it was almost impossible to finish anything. I would either procrastinate enough that I would be rushing to finish before the due date. Or work on it until someone forced me to stop. There was no in-between.
There’s only an end to the madness when a time limit is involved. If I’m left to enforce myself, the idea either never moves beyond a fleeting thought or becomes an eternal work in progress. It never mattered if I was medicated or not, though. The results were still the same either way, so I can’t place the blame on ADHD.
Is it too many ideas or not enough?
I have dozens of half-written stories saved in drafts. I have a list of notes filled with endless article ideas or story prompts. But that’s almost always where the buck stops.
I’ll come up with a brilliant premise for a book or an eye-catching headline for an article. Then my brain loses steam on the rest of the details. Every once in a while, I dream up a great line to add to my notes or an incredible plot twist. The lucky ones might get a sparse outline, but it’s like an eclair missing the filling: all topping and no substance.
It’s hard to keep the ball rolling. You come up with something so incredible. You can imagine how amazing it will be, but then you get to that first hill, and the ball starts sliding back. I always lose momentum once that first round of writer’s block hits. I can’t keep my concentration in check once my interest fizzles. Eventually, I find enough inspiration over a drawn-out period of time, but I know if I were to sit down and focus, the ideas would flow seamlessly. So why do I still drag my feet?
Is it Imposter Syndrome?
I want to blame my failure on feeling like I’m not good enough. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a world-class perfectionist procrastinator who knows she’s not as good as she could be. I just don’t think that’s the root of the problem.
I don’t think I’m a great writer, but I’m a good enough writer. My writing doesn’t have any value to anyone but me at the moment, though. One day, I’ll have something of worth to provide in this transaction between writer and reader. But I don’t believe anyone has anything to gain from reading my work at the moment.
Still, I’m not sure that’s the issue here. If I’m only writing for myself, then there’s no dread of meeting the expectation of others that keeps me from finishing. I’m not trying to impress anyone. So there’s no screeching voice in my head telling me I’m a fraud and should stop while I’m ahead.
Will I ever be able to finish an idea?
I suffer the thought. I do. It’s probably a mix of all of these issues with a hefty heaping dose of crippling perfectionism. But even if it is, where do I go from there? Figuring out the cause doesn’t automatically negate the effect.
And even if I do manage to finish a thought, what then?
Will I go on to finally finish the rest of the half-formed thoughts saved in my drafts? Or will those become abandoned in favor of new ideas I’m sure I’ll be able to finish this time? What if I keep starting over from square one, trying to force myself to cross another finish line?
I want to finish something. Anything.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles with feeling like their brain is stuck in perpetual quicksand. Forever being sucked down, unable to move forward. So what do we do? I’m all ears.
The more I try, the easier it will become, but those first few hurdles are always the hardest. I imagine what I could accomplish if I could finish whatever ideas popped into my head. So many possibilities lie in imperfect, unfinished ideas.
Where would life lead me if I took a chance on those abandoned plans?
Maybe it would lead to better ideas or more accomplishments. Maybe I would finally write the ending to that novel I’ve been working on for ten years. Maybe I could become the writer I’ve always wanted to be.
If I could just finish a thought, I could —
